Intro Juice and Cafe Paradiso, Shad Thames

Not long opened in premises that were formerly an old-style cafe with a gentlemanly though very elderly Cypriot owner, this is an eponymous juice bar whose owners plainly have a love of wordplay. Such gimmickry won't save them since it is hopeless, hopeless, hopeless and awful, awful awful.

The staff of enthusiastic baseball-capped teens all scuttle around behind the counter bumping in to each other. There is one juicer and two of those things that swill the ingredients into smoothies. So, however long the queue, only two orders can be zizzed up at a time.

Asked for two orange jucies and two pan au chocolat and waited 10 minutes at least. So much for fast food. The juice came with crushed ice - not asked for - and the pastries in separate paper bags. The pastries were OK but the juice had a trace of unpeeled carrot about it, some sort of taste contamination problem in the zizzers, I suppose. £6.50.

Across the courtyard from Intro Juice is Cafe Paradiso where, a week or two ago, I asked for two black Americanos and was given scaldingly hot brown water in paper cups. Had to tip it away. £2.50.

Cappuccino count: 2/10 and half an hour with a time and motion man for the junior juicers; 0/10 and a visit from the trading standards people for the others. These places exist to scalp tourists and office workers. Don't go.